Living my Best

It's been awhile since I posted to this blog. I went off track in January, so my big restart in August ended with me being almost back where I was, but without getting ketoacidosis. For that, I am eternally grateful. However, my primary did shoot me up with Trulicity on Monday, and as a result I became violently ill yesterday – and even further, my endocrinologist stated that I should have gone to an urgent care to make sure that I had fluid so that I didn't go into ketoacidosis. I guess I was pretty lucky.

So here I am, starting at zero again.

The problem is I don't feel very good about my life. I'm doing the best that I can, but there are so many things that are just not aligned properly. Part of it is because of the covid-19 issues, and having to be at home all the time. Luckily, in today's my vaccine will have had time to propagate properly and I will have reached the fullest extent of my immunity and I can leave on my own. I don't particularly want to go places on my own, but I think that is the choice that I have to make. It's amazing how easily it is to get used to having someone with you all the time, and I dread the day when that's no longer going to be the case.

I got to the point where I believed that I was always going to have Chuck in my life, but when he told me that if I had cancer he wouldn't be able to take care of me - he just didn't have the emotional fortitude to do it, that event told me that my relationship with him had a timer on it. There is an expiration date. I fully understand it, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sad. The last few months have been pretty harrowing. I've done everything I could to get through them as best I could, but it hasn't been easy. Starting from zero over and over and over again, in so many different ways, has worn me down. Life has just worn me down.

But I do want to live. I have to find a way that is satisfying, and live a life that means something to me. It isn't about what other people want, it's about what I want. I don't mean that in a selfish way. It's just that I've kind of spent my whole life wanting to live the way that others thought was best for me, knowing that it was in conflict for what I knew was best for me, and instead getting nowhere. I know what I have to do, in terms of health, wealth, and well-being. Therefore, I just need to do it.

I'm going to do it.